Having an interesting time, people watching, the last while. The person I'm best at watching is me, because I have some sense of what drives me, while with other people, I have to guess. Right now I get to watch my head in a period of uncertainty. It was writing about depression that started me off on this whole typing thing, so I thought I'd revisit it.
Introspective mutterings today. I'm certainly not complaining about anything here, just marking observations with colour commentary. This whole possibles thing, where there are lots of cool possible futures out there, is great for me and where my head is right now. But I have an undeserved stack of self confidence that lets me avoid the anxiety, and much of the uncertain part of the process, to focus on those possibles. It's either self confidence or brain damage...maybe both.
Mostly avoiding anxiety, doesn't make me immune from the Black Mutt, however. That sneaky depression thing is always lurking, looking for holes to exploit. It takes very little in the way of setbacks, to have the tendrils of the Black Dog try to get a handhold (my black dog has tendrils and huge beady eyes...yours can be personified however you wish).
There is certainly no expectation, that any of the three primary arms of my future (author, environment clean up guy, or 3D printing) will be achieved without crashes - or at all (I'm hoping for one too work out, but whatev...) - but when you hit little bumps in one, it still gets harder to get out of bed in the morning. I'm certainly not in much of bad place, and it's easy to shut the mutt out right now - but he's been so quiet lately, that I sort of forgot how annoying he could be.
There have been wee little bumps on one of those tracks, while the other two are moving along well. The two that are moving along well, don't need a lot of my input, cus they're moving well and waiting on others... That makes little upsets on the one I'm spending my time on, seem bigger. I've had to catch myself from reacting somewhat badly, by consciously recognizing the dog's activities, and making a deliberate effort to slam the door on the tendrils.
During times when the dog is clearly losing, but tenaciously fighting it's corner, I find myself slower, and less thoughtful about how I respond to others. Sorry to any others so treated. It's like a piece of my 'pay attention to the world around you' brain, gets distracted by the black one, so isn't there to help with the whole 'other people' thing.
The funny part, is that paying less attention can lead to little bumps, becoming bigger. I mean, how good do things need to be going, for me to be free of drooling black mutts. (Right - he doesn't just have tendrils and and beady eyes, he also leaves drool everywhere, for you to slip in.) I know, I'll never be free of the damn thing - but knowing that, and accepting it all the time, are quite different things.
Grump, Grump, Sigh. As the possibles begin to get locked into a future, they start to get real - and sometimes reality has issues. As a friend of mine frequently points out, "but I want..." thing x "...to happen". That inner child, Peter Pan, 'I don't wanna grow up' part of the brain, starts to grumble about best cases, and how 'this' (whatever 'this' happens to be) is not a best case. The few times I've been dealing with a noisy 'inner child' voice in the last few months, reality came by a few days later threw me some scraps. Scraps distract that inner child, and lets the 'not child' minds in my head get on with dealing with the bumps.
I see people that deal with anxiety and can see how much worse those moments could be. I'm not really sure if I'm almost free of anxiety, or just so (unreasonably) sure of myself and the kindness of my family, that I don't give the downside enough weight...and there is that brain damage thing...Anyway, I know that people that are suffering from anxiety often know that it's not 'reasonable' to feel the way they do about some stuff, but they still feel that way. Depression is similar - logic and reason have no say there - and I'm in a place where it would be reasonable to be worried. I recognise how lucky I am, that Anxiety stays away.
I'm not really looking to poke that Anxiety bear, so I'll leave him snoozing. I just thought I'd point out, that I appreciate how much harder this whole 'restart your life' thing could be dealing with interruptions from...whatever animal properly represents anxiety...maybe a nervous cat? or some type of bird that darts about? It's a bad fit with the snoozing bear above...
The entrepreneurial ability of people, seems to be totally linked to that snoozing bear- that acts like a nervous cat - I can see a bear making a cat nervous, but I clearly have too many animals running around and have made my metaphors all messy. Anyway, I've had very interesting discussions with people, that are aware and thoughtful about their issues with dogs and/or nervous cats, about working with me at some time in the future. They comment on how it's only after things are much more settled, that they'd be able to join. Note that isn't be 'interested in joining', it's 'be able to join'...it's quite reasonable that they'd never be interested in joining - they do know me and stuff.
Part of the problem, is that I need people who like things in boxes, and figure out a workflows, and remember to send out invoices, and just generally do the 'work' part, while I get on with flowing. Those are, of course, the last people that want to be in a situation, as uncertain and full of hazards as my present place is...and have to deal with a 'me', just to make things worse.
If people are in a comfortable spot, with set ways of doing things, and are comfortable with the ranges of the Hassle they have to deal with day to day - they won't want to risk the unknown very often. Most sane, rational-ish people need to have big hills of Hassle (or other nasty stuff) they have to climb, to overcome the uncertainty in a future like mine. If they are "downsized", they sometimes find themselves in a better place a couple years down the line, but wouldn't have made the change, if they had a choice. Have a thought for poor Lisa. All those advanced degrees, and she ends up here with me.
It's a good time to be an entrepreneurial person, as there is a lot of talent that never would have made the change (like Lisa), looking for work. It doesn't make people more comfortable dealing with the uncertainty of starting things up, mind you. It just forces people to work it through - or have a nervous breakdown - mileage may vary. We should design a world that doesn't force people to work through stuff...or have nervous breakdowns. Silly world.