Friday, February 26, 2016
I have been collecting people's reaction/response to the email I sent around earlier, and have a couple of observations based on what I've been learning about depression and on my emotional responses that I've been granted a first-hand opportunity to observe. This whole separating myself into an unemotional third party observer guy and an emotional, human guy is sorta weird, and I really hope I can reverse the process at some point, cus the split personality thing doesn't sound like roses…and of course, I'm probably not totally successful at the separation thing…but I'm not that good at "detached observer" when dealing with real science either, so whatev…
Interestingly, the emotional response to "are you ok" with worried expression is resentment/anger-ish. The logical part thinks showing that you care enough to ask is totally cool, but the emotional bit is all "I didn't publicly "out" this for pity, it isn't a big deal – just understand that it's there." Sometimes you have to think the Vulcan's have it right…but Vulcan has to suck as a vacation spot, boooorrrrrriiiiiinnnnngggg.
The most "helpful" thing to do is probably point out how much other people rely on my presence and need me to do stuff…yes, you may have to stretch the truth a bit, but whatev. (and yes Leo, I get even more annoying after somebody builds me up, there is no perfect answer…) I'll whine that I'm too busy and that there is just too much, but I'll stay engaged…unless I do have too much, in which case it will make things worse…Man, this whole life thing is hard…and Nobody said it was easy (I want to find that Nobody guy and give him a piece of my mind…one of the pieces that are still there even!! It's not like I'm using ALL of it…clearly…), ahhh – but if it's too easy it gets boring.
Importantly, it will vary from person to person. My major source of information is from a study population of one, and frankly he's a bit weird. I don't do that anxiety thing at all, but I have it on good authority that, again, it's acceptance and carry on (some oblique reference to being needed and loved and all that doesn't hurt), not "are you all right??" like I'm not the same person I was yesterday.
As people in close-like proximity to each other, it's pretty normal to worry about people we interact with, it just that pointing it out like it's a big deal doesn't seem to trigger warm fuzzies, while more of a "it no biggy, it's nice to understand better" does. It turns out that People is weird…Economists like to talk about this "rational behavior" guy and then are surprised when their models lead to incorrect predictions about society…have they ever met people?? Rational isn't the first word I'd use to describe…anyone…(and I can here several of you saying "especially you" so you don't need to actually state it).
And can't write all this without a personal anecdote to stretch the word count…
Background - Before I went to the UK, I had been here for five years and had reached a point of being "comfortable" with this whole working, office, field thing. "Comfort" makes engagement harder, and is in scare quotes because there isn't really a word for what I mean, but it's has a lot in common with comfort... I can see now that change was part of my way of dealing with depression by avoiding it. I was in a personally difficult spot on a job with two bosses that (it turns out) didn't talk to each other. I would do what one of them told me and the other one would be all "what are you spending time on that for??". I didn't know they weren't coordinating activities so was left unaware of any reason for their growing disgruntlement and it all led to Frustration (defined as - a condition that is affecting one's life, that one has little control over, or information about – more on that some other time.)
The Point, at last - At one point, while in a discussion with colleagues, I suggested that I might be suffering from depression and it was dismissed with laughter – "I know people with depression, you…are not…depressed". Part of my whole dealing with this whole life thing is using humour as an antidote to misery. Think Robin Williams style depression (not Robyn, who went to the extreme of marrying some Harding guy to prevent any confusion) and subtract any self-harm bits…ok, and most of the funny (what, I make myself laugh anyway).
This is the part to enshrine in your memories - That, it turns out, was a "really big deal" discussion that could have led to my life going a very different way. Just a throw away comment without much thought and no malice…Because she didn't understand depression, she answered "wrong". That's the type of "wrong" further discussion can help prevent.
I had made the decision to quit the legacy Komex about then…I knew I didn't like where I was, but mis-determined the whole why. Before I could pull the trigger, I received an offer to go to the UK office, figured that was close enough to a new job and went. Moving to a new country where you know 2 people, and have met 2 others leads to plenty of "not boring" - you need to work a whole bunch of stuff out. Like I said, I like people, so meeting a bunch of folks and building a "place" where I could be get "comfortable" claimed a whole bunch of my focus – bang, depression symptoms gone.
A not-very-big aside, and word of advice for anyone moving to England from an outsider that spent a bunch of years there - They don't accept people easily. It might be so many people in a small place, but without an introduction from some third party, they won't really talk to you…not everyone, and not every situation, but for the most part it holds. Once they do let you in, you are totally in, but they don't do "casual" relationships much, so wait it out, and eventually they'll let you in. London is its own world - there is London, and there is England, so not so much in London. – end aside
As I began to get more "comfortable", some of the symptoms crept back in and an additional bunch of health stuff went wrong. That lead to a return to Calgary, where I already was "comfortable" and a bit of a dark time…but I covered that previously.
Remember, it's not a big deal, it's just a thing – and a bloody common thing at that. We all need understanding and a helping hand sometimes – we can all work harder to "pay it forward" (as opposed to paying it back - help somebody else when somebody helps you). Running a YUGE balance (paying more back than you receive) in the favour bank makes you a better person in almost all belief systems. Let's be better - Or not, whatev…